The Simian Downtime Analyst

One of the more beautiful aspects of working at a helpdesk is that most of the painful interactions end in the matter of a couple minutes. No matter how much it hurts, that person goes the hell away. You don’t have to take it home with you.
A second bonus is that you can belittle your antagonist in plain english, and they will still gratuitously thank you.

If you can’t shake it, then instead of continuing the job when you get home you can either pick up a substance abuse habit or play violent videogames. Most of us choose the latter or a good combination of both.

11. Yes, I found more space.

12. If you have a business, but no business account, I don’t care, go cry about it.

13. If your voice over internet phone works, your internet works, your phone router blows.

14. The 1st phone number I memorized was for Linksys.

15. Unfortunatley, your computer does not come standard with the “Hey, I’m gonna screw up on you in 10 minutes” pop up warning.

16. Your internet shut down on you at this moment because this was the best moment to piss you off.

17. Don’t apologize to me for being pc illiterate, trust me when I say I have helped people 1 million times more retarded than you.

18. Remeber, your computer is a piece of technology, it will do what it wants, when it wants, no matter how loudly you can yell at me through the phone.

19. How many damn times do I have to tell you to call back at 8 a.m.?

20. I still don’t wanna hear your life story.

21. Remember that your computer is only as smart as the user, which in your case means you need a new processor.

22. If you can’t find your start button, go to your room.

23. Yes mean yes, no means no, and click means you bloody well better click!!

24. The more you whine, the more you cease to exist, not as if you really mattered in the 1st place.

25. And yes, we sometimes do put you on hold because talking to you makes our IQ drop.

26. Migraines CAN be sent over phone lines.

27. You make $100,000/year, congratulations, I still don’t care.

28. Doesn’t it make you feel like a dummy that your 5 year old knows more than you?

29. The power cord makes the lights go on and off, and is labeled “power”.

30. If your service is through a cable company, no matter how much you want it to be, it’s NOT DSL.

31. If you can’t spell modem, no…..just no….

32. The wireless box IS THE ROUTER.

Ok, that’s enough for now.

~Crazy Dan

1. If you call your ISP about your lack of service, remember this, YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG!!!!!

2. If you do not pay your bill on time, DO NOT WHINE AT THE TECHNICIAN BECAUSE YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO PAY YOUR BILL!!!! YOUR SERVICE HAS BEEN TURNED OFF!!!

3. If you are computer stupid, YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE THE INTERNET!!!! YOU WILL ONLY SERVE TO ANNOY THE HELL OUT OF YOUR TECHNICIAN!!!

4. If you don’t know what a router is, YOU DON’T NEED ONE!!!

5. No matter how you try to justify or explain it, YOU CANNOT PLUG YOUR MOUSE INTO THE BACK OF YOUR MODEM!!!!

6. Dell probably does not make your modem.

7. On that same note, Motorola does not make your computer.

8. The answer to your phone number is 10 digits, NOT YOUR DAMN LIFE STORY!!!

9. Contrary to popular belief, YOUR SERVICE WORKING WILL NOT BRING YOUR LOVED ONE BACK FROM THE HOSPITAL/BRINK OF DEATH!!!!

10. Outage means DOES NOT WORK!!!!

I could keep going on but I don’t have the space on here to write a damn anthology!

~Crazy Dan

Another day of rapidly diminishing intellingence of the masses. Some users can cause you mental pain, others are dim enough to make the pain become physical. On the other hand sometimes your co-worker can be pretty stupid too. In my never-ending quest to right the wrongs caused by the unwashed drones that only know how to check their email in [insert email client here], I am faced with some remarkably silly answers to straightforward questions. I could have never fathomed the idiotic range of answers to one of the simplest questions ever conceived. My whole life the answer to “What is your phone number?” could only be answered in one fashion, by reciting a 7 or 10 digit phone number. In this brave new world of modernity, that question could honestly elicit any answer possible to conceive, and they all make my head throb.

The deviants of an ISP run circles around the minds of the masses. Spewing technical jargon like it really is an integral part of the vernacular. The so-called elite frown upon those who cannot grasp simple concepts of “unplug the power”. Though this is easily justified since it is statistically proven that people are stupid, everyone suffers.

Customer: “The recording said my area was in an outage (Internet), but my TV still works….”
Technical support: “Ok, well, is your Internet working?”
Customer: “uuuummmm….no…”
Technical support: (thinking) “Holy #%!$……”

Everyday, situations like this happen at ISP call centers all over America…..the dreaded “Stupid as Hell customer!” That’s where I come in, I am…….Simian Downtime Analyst, or for you idiots, The Outage Monkey. I was born from the frustration of support technicians everywhere!

Here’s how it works, there is a recording on the phone system telling the customer they are in an outage, however the customer is a moron so they wanna speak with a technician to ask if their area is affected by the outage, that’s where I come in. Instead of going to the technician, the system knows your number is in that area and transfers you to me. And what might we talk about, you may ask? NOTHING!!! YOU DON’T GET TO TALK!!! I SCREAM LIKE A RABID MONKEY INTO YOUR EAR!!! MAYBE THEN YOU’LL UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE IN AN OUTAGE!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, that’s me in a nutshell, a very small, cramped, and dark nutshell.

~Crazy Dan and Amber