Customer: “The recording said my area was in an outage (Internet), but my TV still works….”
Technical support: “Ok, well, is your Internet working?”
Customer: “uuuummmm….no…”
Technical support: (thinking) “Holy #%!$……”

Everyday, situations like this happen at ISP call centers all over America…..the dreaded “Stupid as Hell customer!” That’s where I come in, I am…….Simian Downtime Analyst, or for you idiots, The Outage Monkey. I was born from the frustration of support technicians everywhere!

Here’s how it works, there is a recording on the phone system telling the customer they are in an outage, however the customer is a moron so they wanna speak with a technician to ask if their area is affected by the outage, that’s where I come in. Instead of going to the technician, the system knows your number is in that area and transfers you to me. And what might we talk about, you may ask? NOTHING!!! YOU DON’T GET TO TALK!!! I SCREAM LIKE A RABID MONKEY INTO YOUR EAR!!! MAYBE THEN YOU’LL UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE IN AN OUTAGE!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, that’s me in a nutshell, a very small, cramped, and dark nutshell.

~Crazy Dan and Amber